What's In A Norm? Some Thoughts on Public Womanhood

Have you ever heard someone say that they thank God they were not born a ____? What you fill in that blank will tell you a lot about yourself.

I have had a lot of indoor alone time lately as my body and my cold battle things out. And given an abundance of time on my couch, I have been watching movies and reading books. This "medicine" has given me doses of Amy Schumer, Jennifer Lawrence, Uzo Aduba, Laverne Cox, Zoe Saldana, Emily Blunt, Anna Kendrick, Mindy Kaling, Jenny Lawson, Amy Poehoer, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph. It was a good day.

Most of my life, I have received criticism for violating gender norms.

I'm actually pretty well in compliance with most female gender norms. I can cook, sew, crochet, knit, embroider, clean, organize, dance, sing, decorate, and take copious notes. I love children. My idea of sports is figure skating and Zumba. I like to read fiction. I studied five foreign languages. I dress modestly.

But every so often (read: at least weekly) I get an underhanded comment about being too loud, too quick to speak, too eager for public leadership, too independent, or trying to "have it all." These comments are not-so-subtle ways of telling me that I'm being too male.

(Maybe one day I'll write a post that includes some of the most ridiculous things people have said to me. You tell me if this would be helpful for public awareness of latent prejudice.)

Male independence, assertiveness, competence, ambition, and confidence are highly valued. "He'll be the boss one day!" But when I exhibit those traits, I become something unwanted, something dangerous.

I've dealt with that kind of social pressure (and harassment) so long that I've grown accustomed to it. And it doesn't bother me any more because I see through it now. Those comments are the insecurities and fears of others being projected onto me because they want to feel control. It's not really about me, it's about them. My being me doesn't interfere with them being them. They don't realize that, so they take it out on me.

But as I was having my sick-on-the-couch day, I saw a very different picture of public womanhood, and I loved it. I am so thankful for these women and their insistence to create public space for women to be who they are, whether that fits into a gender norm or not. On screen and off, they are assertive, brilliant, funny, vulnerable, wise, flawed, athletic, clumsy, and independent. Some have families while others don't, and their womanhood is not defined by either situation. They are owning their bodies, loving themselves no matter what others think of them, and giving hope to a generation of girls who will grow up seeing more possibilities for women than ever before.

And as I look at my book shelf, I feel even more hope. Malala Yousafzai, Sheryl Sandberg, Jann Aldredge-Clanton, Alice Walker, Delores Williams, Katie Cannon, Letty Russell, Rosemary Radford Ruether, Renita Weems, Marcia Riggs, Susan Shaw, Betsy Flowers, Jacquelyn Grant, Ada Maria Isisi Diaz, Dorothy Day, Mary Daly, and the list goes on. Google them if you don't know them. You'll be the better for it.

Whether scholars or entertainers, this cloud of witnesses is proclaiming a new way to be a society. They are speaking out against sexism and racism and classism and homophobia. And not in dainty, ladylike ways. They are boldly speaking truth to power, saying it like it is, and making it plain. They are insisting that "community" means "all are welcome, all are important, and all share responsibility." They are defying gender norms and being themselves. They aren't perfect, but they are making the paths of their foremothers even wider for those who will follow them.

There is still a long way to go. A long way. Racism, sexism, classism, and homophobia still skew the story, and still silence voices. But I am feeling encouraged that I am part of a global sistren who are standing up for women's equality and making the audacious claim that women of all races, cultures, ages, and sexualities have something important to offer to public discourse.

Thank you to women who are writing memoirs about breaking through glass ceilings and into board rooms and revolutionizing their countries. Thank you to women who are speaking up in meetings. Thank you to women who are pursuing their dreams even if others say it's selfish or foolish. Thank you to women who are funny. Thank you to women who speak up for those whose voices are silenced. Thank you to women who choose health/sanity over ridiculous standards of thinness. Thank you to women who pass their wisdom to future generations.

Who are your sheroes? Whether famous or famous-to-you, who are the women who give you hope and who inspire you?

What Is Your Name?

Lately, several people have asked me about my name. Mostly, people want to know why I have kept "Lyons" since my divorce. All I can answer is "it's complicated."

Practically, I have kept "Lyons" for two reasons. One, it is immensely helpful to have the same last name as your children. Two, most of my professional accomplishments have been published under the name "Lyons." While I am early in my career, I have published a number of journal articles, book chapters, encyclopedia articles, etc under that name.

If I could go back in time, I would have either kept my maiden name when I married or asked that we both hyphenate our names. But since I did not make either of those choices at that time, it's silly to wonder "what if."

When I was completing my PhD, my university asked me what name I wanted on my diploma. Friends can testify that I spent about a month pondering that seemingly simple question. In my innermost self, I am a "Johnson-Pace," which has never actually been my name at all. I am proud of my family name - both of my family names. They remind me of the wonderful people on both sides of my family who have raised me, loved me, nurtured me, and guided me. For 22 years, I was unequivocally "Pace." But then for 7 years I was "Lyons." Removing the last name won't change the fact that for almost 1/3 of my life (now more like 1/4), I was "Lyons." It's my story.

So, I chose to keep both of my legal last names and graduate as "Pace Lyons." Many people just call me "Dr. Lyons." I don't like being called "Dr. Lyons," because it ignores 22 years of my identity. If two names feels burdensome, my ear would rather hear that shortened to "Dr. Pace" than "Dr. Lyons." But in the end, people call me what I was going by when they met me, and as long as I know they're talking to me in a positive way, I typically answer.

Divorce is the most isolating thing I've ever gone through, even though I chose it, and there are so many questions that emerge as you're going through a divorce that you can't anticipate. One of the questions I struggled most with in my recovery was "What is your name?"

A lot of young people are in such a hurry to grow up, to leave their families, and to become who they are destined to become. Or so they tell me when they come to my office in the middle of an emotional breakdown. But it's funny what even 5-10 years can do to that narrative. Eventually, the story shifts from breaking free to restoration. It's not unlike Brueggemann's Orientation, Disorientation, and Reorientation in the Psalms. Yes, we may want to make different choices from our parents, and that is 100% healthy and necessary. But the older I get, the more I want to tap into the roots of my family tree, to carry my heritage with pride, and to accept that some of the "me-est" parts of me are family traits. I've personalized them and made them my own, but they are part of a story that is bigger than just me.

Here are some of the traits of my family that bloom prominently in me: music, performance, wit, love of travel, reading, creating, building, designing, decorating, sewing, crocheting, shortness, feminism, preaching, generosity, and teaching.

I have a degree in engineering (my dad's father Jack), and I am an ordained minister (my mom's father Stanley), a quilt maker (my mom's mother Colyne), a crocheter (my dad's mother Roberta), and a stubborn, independent teacher who celebrates the performing arts (both of my parents). As a child I insisted not to be a musician because both of my parents were music teachers. And now look at me. I am a teacher who sings constantly. I am one-of-a-kind, but I bloom from my family's tree without a doubt.

Next time someone asks you for your name, or you write it down on a form, pause for a minute and reflect. What is your name?

Stole Sisters

I am a mother, a preacher, a professor, a scholar, a coach, and a number of other things. While I have hobbies that renew me and good friends who nourish my soul, sometimes it feels like something is still missing.

And then I figured out what it was. I need to hear women preach. Regularly. Like protein in my diet, I need to hear from my sisters. I want to know what God is saying to them, and I want to hear their wisdom.

This world is blessed with so many women who are called to preach. Anointed by God, these proclaimers are powerful witnesses to God's work among us. Their sermons are a drink of fresh water in the middle of my Texas summer, and I need to hear from them. We all need to hear from them.

So, I created Stole Sisters, a podcast that features women preachers. You can subscribe through iTunes (or any other major podcast streaming service) or listen online here. Each episode features sermons by a sister of the cloth, representing a variety of denominations, theological perspectives, and ministries, with no agenda other than to faithfully preach the word of God. If you would like to nominate yourself or a talented preacher you know to be featured on this podcast, I welcome you to contact me.

Stole Sisters fully supports and affirms equity in the pulpit and seeks to promote the thousands of women preachers whose voices are so often silenced or ignored. God is bigger than any one gender, and the church best follows the teachings of Christ when it welcomes all who wish to respond to God's call.

Listen in to hear what God has to say through a Stole Sister. And then go out in the world and do what God has called you to do. And together, working as one family of God, may we be the Church that Christ has called us to be.

"Just As I Am" - A Sermon on Psalm 139

Preached January 17, 2015

            St. Paul’s United Church of Christ

Gerald, TX

Listen to full audio of this sermon

It is good to be in the house of the Lord today

            And it is good to be back with you.

                        This place is starting to feel like home,

                                    And I like that.

I was excited when I learned that

            This week’s text was in Psalm 139.

                        This is a familiar passage to many of us,

                                    Reassurance of who and whose we are.

As a child, I remember wondering what it was like

            Before birth, and whether God checks in on us

                        The way our parents check in on us sometimes,

                                    The way we check in on our children sometimes.

And as an expectant mother, I remember wondering

            What my child would be like,

                        Wondering what was being made within me.

                                    He was part of me and separate from me

                                                All at the same time.

                                                            And while God was busy knitting my son in my womb,

                                                                        I stayed busy knitting, too.

But this passage is familiar to me for another reason,

            An unfortunate reason.

In my work with young people,

            On an almost daily basis,

                        I hear things they don’t like about themselves,

                                    Ways they perceive themselves to be flawed and broken,

                                                Ways they view themselves as abject failures.

Humility is good for everyone,

            And reflection on ways we can grow and improve is good, too.

                        But what I hear is self-doubt to its most dangerous degree.

I hear people almost afraid to say out loud

            That they have come to hate themselves,

                        That they see themselves as a collection of mistakes and deficiencies,

                                    Whether genetic or by their own choices,

                                                Rather than as made in the image of God.

These doubts bring death, not life.

            These inward reflections bring despair, not hope.

Am I good enough?

            Where and who do I come from?

                        What does that mean for what I will become?

                                    Am I what I am supposed to be?

That last one kills.

Am I what I am supposed to be?

And this question takes us to so many wonderings about ourselves.

            Do I look the way I’m supposed to look?

                        Say the things I’m supposed to say?

                                    Read the things I’m supposed to read?

                                                Think the things I’m supposed to think?

           

            Am I associated with the people I’m supposed to know,

                        And do I avoid the people and places I shouldn’t know?

            Do my attitude and demeanor present me the way I should come across?

We all know these questions too well.

            And many of our favorite songs echo these same thoughts.

For the pop fans in the congregation, Hilary Duff’s “I Am” is one example:

            “I am special, I am beautiful

                        I am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable,

                                    Sometimes I’m miserable,

                                                Sometimes I’m pitiful

                                                            But that’s so typical of all the things I am.”

            Could you hear how she is trying to

                        Make sense of who she is,

                                    But is also juggling the pressures of

                                                Societal and familial expectations of

                                                            Who she is supposed to be?

            

As a woman, she is to be beautiful and strong,

                        And when her emotions challenge that,

                                    She feels even more conflict within herself,

                                                And the only way she can make peace with it,

                                                            Is to accept that she is who she is.

Another example, for the country listeners, Jessica Andrews’ “Who I Am”

            “I am Rosemary’s granddaughter,

                        The spitting image of my father,

                                    And when the day is done, my momma’s still my biggest fan,

                                                Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy

                                                            But I’ve got friends that love me

                                                                        And they know just where I stand.

                                                                                    It’s all a part of me,

                                                                                                And that’s who I am.”

            She wants to understand herself as part of her family,

                        But as herself at the same time,

                                    Both able and continually challenged,

                                                Ultimately accepting that the resolution of her feelings

                                                            Comes in accepting that she is who she is.

            And thankfully in her situation,

                        The love of her friends and family give her strength

                                    To embrace all of who she is in celebration.

            There are others who do not have a family like hers.

And last but not least, another for the pop fans, Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”:

            “There’s nothing’ wrong with lovin’ who you are,

                        She said, ‘cause he made you perfect, babe.

                                    So hold your head up, girl, and you’ll go far

                                                Listen to me when I say,

            I’m beautiful in my way

                        Cause God makes no mistakes

                                    I’m on the right track, baby,

                                                I was born this way.

Don’t lose yourself in regret.

Just love yourself and you’re set.

I’m on the right track, baby,

I was born this way.”

            Some of you may know that Lady Gaga released this song

                        In support of LGBTQ rights

                                    And to publicly state her advocacy for LGBTQ people.

            Do you hear the tension here?

                        Knowing who you are, but wishing you were different,

                                    And yet this song encourages loving who you are,

                                                Accepting and celebrating the things that are the “You-est”

                                                            Even if society doesn’t understand it.

I don’t quote pop and country lyrics at you to abuse the freedom of the pulpit,

            But rather to demonstrate that as a church and as a culture,

                        We are all pressed with this question

                                    Of who we are,

                                                And whether it’s what we’re supposed to be.

            We all feel pressure,

And we all have doubts.

Our friends of the biblical text are in this journey with us.

            Let us reflect a moment on our brothers and sisters of the text.

Cain was afraid to go out from the garden.

            He was the wrong race, and he feared for his life.

                        God assured him that the mark on his head would protect him,

                                    And sure enough Cain carried on his family line

On down to Noah

            Who was very nervous about building an arc in the desert.

                        He feared that people would not understand.

                                    “They won’t listen to me,” he complained to God.

                                                But God told him to keep building,

And Noah preserved every kind of life through

the worst storm the world had ever known.

Abraham was old.

            God promised to give him descendants as numerous as the stars.

                        And Abraham was sure that he was not the right person for God’s covenant.

                                    In fact, Abraham lied to the Pharaoh because he didn’t trust God,

                                                And slept with his handmaiden (a gift from the Pharaoh)

                                                            And was not the ideal father or husband,

And yet, God extended a covenant to two great peoples through Abraham’s children,

            Ishmael and Isaac,

            

            One born through sexual surrogacy that we might now call rape

                        And the other born to a woman in her eighties.

If there was ever a story that broke the mold, that is one.

But thanks be to God, I can continue.

Isaac was a weak man,

            Easily tricked by his family members.

                        His son Esau was so full of pride that he married just to spite his father,

                                    And his son Jacob was so sneaky and conniving

that he stole from his brother

                                                            And even tried to wrestle with God.

            And yet, Jacob became Israel,

                        And his twelve sons became the twelve tribes.

Now in the culture of that day, as is still true now,

            The oldest son was to inherit the father’s estate.

                        But Jacob was fondest of his youngest son, Joseph,

                                    Who was socially awkward and despised by his brothers.

            And yet, it was his “differentness,”

                        His innocence that rejected temptation and

                                    His ability to interpret dreams,

                                                That helped him become a leader of Egypt,

                                                            And eventually saved his family from famine.

Moses was supposed to be killed.

            He was the wrong race.

                        He killed an Egyptian  man to protect his people.

                                    When God sent him back to Egypt to rescue the Hebrew people,

He reminded God about his stutter

and that he couldn’t possibly give public speeches.

           

            But God provided him with a team of helpers,

                        And used him to deliver the Israelite people from slavery

                                    And through the law, to begin the shaping of the people

                                                Into the covenant people of Yahweh.

Rahab was a prostitute.

            She was not of the covenant,

Or even what we might call “a seeker.”

                                    And yet, she helped the Israelite spies,

                                                And is mentioned as a foremother of Jesus in the line of David.

Hannah was barren,

            Mocked by her husband’s other wife,

                        And wanted a baby so badly

                                    That she offered to give the baby back to God if she could just have one.

            

            And she did,

and her son Samuel helped establish the monarchy,

            first with King Saul, and then with King David.

I assure you that King David’s early life was anything but kingly.

            He was just a little boy playing outside

                        Yet he somehow won a major military victory against the Philistines

                                    With a slingshot.

            And once David was in power,

                        He stole Uriah’s wife, killed Uriah to cover it up,

                                    And couldn’t even protect his own children from

                                                Domestic and sexual violence.

            Yet he is the most heralded king in the Old Testament,

                        Considered the direct line into which Jesus was born.

                                    And early church fathers called communion

                                                The vine of David.

Jonah was a racist coward.

            He did not want to go to Ninevah to preach,

                        And he didn’t really want them to be saved,

                                    Because he hated them and wanted to watch God punish them.

            And yet, through his preaching,

                        God saved the Assyrian people,

                                    The very people who had conquered the Northern Kingdom.

In fact, the Old Testament is full of prophets were a little bit off their rockers.

            Jeremiah hid his underwear under a rock.

                        Isaiah stripped off all his clothes and wandered around in the buff.

                                    Ezekiel did strange things with his cookware and his body hair.

           

            But through these and many others,

                        God spoke a message of redemption and hope,

                                    Calling the people back to their covenant identity,

                                                Offering grace for those who would listen.

John the Baptist wore strange clothes

            And ate strange food,

                        Clung to the outskirts of society,

                                    Yet he prepared the way for the coming of the Lord,

                                                And baptized Jesus.

Mary was a young girl,

            About to get married, and suddenly immaculately pregnant,

                        And gave birth in a barn.

                                    Thankfully her husband believed her situation,

                                                But it might have been otherwise.

           

            A little girl, the mother of God.

           

Joseph was just a carpenter. He was not well-educated.

            How could he parent the Son of God?

                        But he did,

                                    And passed his craft down to his son.

Jesus was not born in regal circumstances,

            Did not have political or military power,

                        Did not come from a major city,

                                    Or from a family with important connections

                                                Or even a decent library.

            He was a country boy,

                        Born to a carpenter and a virgin mother,

                                    And he wandered around with a rag-tag bunch of hillbillies,

                                                Spreading the message of the Kingdom of God.

Peter was a screw up.

            He meant well, and he made big promises,

                        But he couldn’t quite get his feet where his mouth was.

            The only thing you could count on him to do was to let you down.

                        And yet Jesus chose him to be the rock upon which the church would be built.

The disciples were just ordinary men,

            With blue collar jobs.

                        They were not prepared to lead a worldwide organization

                                    Or define intricate theological concepts

                                                Or navigate complex political situations.

            And yet, as they obeyed what Jesus had taught them,

                        They built a global church that lives to this day.

Paul was a Jew, not a Christian.

            In fact, he killed Christians.

                        But Jesus stopped him, arrested his attention,

                                    And used him to help spread the church across the known world.

                                                The ministry of which continues to shape the church,

                                                            Through the biblical text.

And I could keep going through church history.

            In the second century, Perpetua lived in North Africa,

                        The mother of one child,

                                    When she was arrested for being a Christian,

                                                God provided for her baby and for her,

                                                            And her story is the oldest account by a woman we have.

            In the fifth century, Augustine was just a deviant child.

                        He was the kind of kid who stole a pear for the fun of it.

                                    He abandoned his lover and their child when he converted to Christianity.

                                                And yet his Confessions continue to be one of the most formative

                                                            Writings in the history of Christianity.

            In the sixteenth century, Martin Luther was a lowly monk,

                        Huddling on the floor because he was terrified in a rainstorm,

                                    But he eventually voiced his theological conviction that God wanted

                                                A direct, unmediated relationship with believers,

                                                            Creating the Protestant church,

                                                                        Of which this German congregation is a descendant.

            In the seventeenth century, a small group of Puritans in England

                        Set sail for a new land where they could enjoy religious liberty,

                                    But they had no idea what was ahead of them,

                                                Or how to farm or stay warm in a New England winter.

                       

But they started a nation

            That continues to provide religious liberty to millions of people.

            In the twentieth century, a young preacher from Atlanta, Georgia

                        Took his first church in Montgomery, Alabama

                                    Where the African Americans in his community launched a more than

                                                Year-long boycott of the buses that enforced

                                                            National bus integration laws in their state

                                                                        And rallied African Americans into a

                                                                                    Nonviolent direct action campaign

                                                                                                For civil rights.

                        And tomorrow, we will celebrate the

                                    Martin Luther King, Jr. National Day of Service

                                                In his honor, and in pursuit of

                                                            Freedom and justice everywhere.

            And now insert your story.

                        You, born to parents with ordinary circumstances,

                                    You, who have quirks and fears

And a complete spectrum of strengths and weaknesses.

            And yet you, whom God has called to relationship

                        And to this community and to this church,

                                    And through whom God is spreading love and hope.

  

In so many ways, preaching is utter foolishness.

            I am as human as you are,

                        And I bring the same baggage into this sanctuary every Sunday.

But in spite of my foolishness,

            God proclaims the message of the Kingdom through me,

                        And through you,

                                    And through this church.

We are from Texas, for better or worse.

            No matter how much we try not to twang, some things cain’t be helped.

                        Sometimes we can’t quite say what we mean,

                                    Sometimes we don’t look the way we wish we did,

                                                Sometimes we aren’t as productive as we wish we were,

                                                            Sometimes we aren’t as certain as we wish we could be,

But we are made in the image of God,

            Just as we are.

                        And the very things that are at our core,

                                    Are the very things that best reflect God’s image in us.

These things are not to be feared or stifled or hated,

            But to be celebrated and cherished and embraced

                        As part of God in us.

And however much you are not whatever it is you think you should be

            Know that you are in good company.

                        Our bible and our history are quite the motley crew of characters.

           

            And I don’t know if you have noticed this before,

                        But the people who have all the right connections and pedigree

                                    Are the ones who seem oblivious to what God is doing,

                                                The ones who miss out on the most important things.

            It’s those on the margins, the ones who are different,

                        Who really get it, and who God uses the most.

Whatever it is about you that you feel is by mistake,

            Hear the word of the Lord today.

You are made by God.

            God knows you inside and out,

                        Past, present, and future.

  

And even with all that God knows about you,

            Because of all that God knows about you,

                        You are God’s dearly loved children.

You aren’t guy or gal,

            You aren’t too this or too that,

                        Or not enough this or that,

                                    You are God’s child.

Maybe you wish you could be braver.

            There is something in your caution that the world needs,

                        Something you have to teach the fearless about making wise choices.

Maybe you wish you weren’t so loud and brash.

            On behalf of the shy, we are grateful that you can give voice

                        To difficult thoughts.

Maybe you wish you were thinner or taller or younger.

            Your body tells the story of your family,

                        Where you have come from,

                                    The kinds of climates that your ancestors have learned to survive,

                                                And the kinds of work that your family has done.

           

Your gray hair is a crown of splendor,

                        And your wrinkles hold tremendous wisdom,

                                    And your slowness allows you to be more present in the moment,

                                                Which is something you used to wish for.

Maybe you wish you could make music.

            The joy of your heart is beautiful music to God,

                        And whether by your skill or another’s,

                                    The church is well-served by those who love music.

Maybe you wish you had a better memory.

            But it is your faithfulness to ask questions and beg reminders

                        That keeps the Word fresh to us all.

Maybe you wish your life had taken a different course.

            I know that wish all too well.

                        But when I look at the people who are in my life because of the course I took,

                                    There is nothing I would do differently,

                                                For my son is the greatest gift I’ve ever known

                                                            And my deepest joy in this life.

Whatever road has led you to this sanctuary this morning,

            Hear me, church, when I say that God has been with you

                        All along the way.

                                    Even in the scary parts,

                                                And the lonely parts,

                                                            Even in the self-deprecating parts,

                                                                        Even the parts with doubts.

            God made you just as you are,

                        And all of who you are reflects who God is

                                    And what God is doing through you.

            As I look across this room today,

                        I see a beautiful sight.

                                    I see parents and grandparents and great grandparents.

                                                I see business owners and faithful workers and friends.

                                                            I see generosity and hospitality and compassion.

                                                                        I see hands that aren’t afraid to get dirty,

                                                                                    Arms that aren’t afraid to reach out,

                                                                                                And hearts that aren’t afraid to hope.

            It is beautiful.

                        And you are beautiful.

                                    And as I look at you,

                                                I see God’s love shining through you.

                                                            There is light in your eyes,

                                                                        Even those of you with glasses and cataracts,

                                                                                    For nothing can stop God’s love.

May we linger in this moment of worship.

            And that thing about yourself

That thing that you first thought of when you realized what I was up to today,

                                    Whatever that is,

I encourage you to lay that before the Lord as I sing,

                                                            And maybe, just maybe,

                                                                        See even that one thing as the glory of God in you.

Just as I am, without one plea

But that Thy blood was shed for me

And that Thou bidst me come to Thee

O Lamb of God, I come! I come!

Just as I am, though tossed about

With many a conflict, many a doubt;

Fightings within and fears without

O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

  

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive

Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;

Because Thy promise I believe

O Lamb of God I come, I come!