In unhealthy relationships, however, the give and take is out of balance. One person carries a greater weight, gives more than they receive, and often leaves interactions with emotional bruises. These relationships are often emotionally abusive, such that one partner will utilize language of religion, family obligation, or whatever else aids their cause to further manipulate the other into doing what they want.
Perhaps the other person does not realize that their behavior is harmful. (This is a really generous way to see it because most abusers DO realize their behavior is harmful.) Setting boundaries allows you to share your feelings (to the extent you feel safe), create limits on the relationship to protect yourself, and teach the other person better ways to relate to you.
If the other person cannot hear (and follow) your boundaries, however, or if they respond to your boundaries with additional emotional abuse, the only way to survive this narcissist vortex is to not engage at all. This is particularly difficult with people we love, people we can't imagine not in our lives. We fear hurting them. We fear a future without them. But if their behavior is harmful to us, and if we have tried to communicate this in a constructive way which has been ignored, then the other person is clearly placing their comfort over our well-being. In such situations, it is more important for you to set (and maintain) boundaries to protect yourself than to allow someone to keep hurting you. Your wellness is more important than their comfort.
We must remember, though, that in that case, we are not the ones who closed the door. Their behavior created the dilemma. We are simply responding to their behavior in a responsible way to preserve our health and sanity. Should their behavior improve, we can reexamine the boundaries. Should it not, at least we know we will be okay.
Currently, I am watching several dear souls deal with emotional abusers within their families. I suppose such is the nature of a pastor/professor's life - to know about the deepest traumas of others' lives, and to bear their burdens with them. It is devastating to watch someone you care about be traumatized and retraumatized and retraumatized by someone who is supposed to love them, to hear them recount conversations where words which are supposed to mean "family" and "care" are used to wound.
"I feel like I've just been beat up, but I know they don't mean to hurt me," I hear so often. If you have told them how their behavior affects you, and they will not hear you or change their behavior, then they ARE aware of what they are doing and continue to do it anyway. Shielding them from responsibility by not setting or keeping boundaries will not help them or your relationship, can only lead to your getting more deeply hurt. Neither partner needs to be a doormat in a healthy relationship. There is a natural give and take rooted in deep care and concern for each other. If their needs are of utmost importance, but your needs can be easily dismissed, then the relationship is not healthy.
It is possible to have genuine relationship across differences. I participate in many such relationships, and I have witnessed many such as well. In each case, those involved have committed to loving each other in spite of their differences, to hearing each other as more important than being heard, to celebrating what they share in common, and to learn from and with each other. (If someone's idea of relationship across differences is that you have to agree with them about everything, then they are incapable of healthy relationship. If someone's idea of relationship is to control you, abuse you, dehumanize you, or work for your oppression, then they are incapable of healthy relationship. I'm not suggesting you tolerate such immoral, unethical behavior. Such would be dangerous for you and morally irresponsible.)
To my dear ones who are dealing with
- emotionally invalidating environments
- abusive or dysfunctional relational dynamics
- those they sought for spiritual support blaming and shaming them
- communities of faith denying their calling because of their bodies or sexual orientations
- mental illness
- any other form of oppression as you pioneer your own path in this world
...you are worthy of love just for being who you are. You deserve love and affirmation and acceptance from your family, with no strings attached.
Friends, it is not selfish to set boundaries. It is REASONABLE to expect your family to love you and accept you for who you are. It is NOT SELFISH to set boundaries from someone who means to harm you, even if that person is in your family.
Take care of yourself this holiday season. Surround yourself with people who will be a family to you, whether the family into which you were born or one of your own making. Many of us feel like we have to spend the holidays with our biological families because that's what we're supposed to do. If your biological family is a supportive community, then celebrate what a beautiful gift this is! But if your biological family does not love you for who you are, if being around them is not emotionally safe for you, then you do not have to be around them. Blood does not obligate you to subject yourself to people who hurt you. There are many kinds of families, and life is too short to live outside of the support of a loving family.
Find the people who love you fiercely, and love them right back. Your love is precious, and you deserve to be part of a family who will cherish you as the child of God that you are. I wish for you joy, happiness, intimate connection, meaningful rituals and traditions, sacred spaces, and memories upon memories with the promise of many years more to come!
Find the people who love you fiercely, and love them right back. Your love is precious, and you deserve to be part of a family who will cherish you as the child of God that you are. I wish for you joy, happiness, intimate connection, meaningful rituals and traditions, sacred spaces, and memories upon memories with the promise of many years more to come!
